It's Not Easy
by snappish79
Summary: Songfic with Harry thinking about recent events.


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Description: Songfic about Harry reflecting on recent events.

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Rating: PG I guess. I'd say G but since it does refer to the deaths that happened I'll just cover my @$$.

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Disclaimer: Mix one part Harry Potter by J.K. Rowling and one part 'Superman' by Five For Fighting with no parts of anything I own. Bring to a simmer and serve.

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Spoilers: OotP

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A/N: I recently reheard 'Superman' and, seeing as how I relate everything to Harry Potter nowadays, thought it kinda went with what was going on. This is my first try at writing a songfic; so let me know what you think and be kind! Also " " means talking out loud and ' ' means to themselves, but this in first person so I don't think there will be any ' ' at all.

~**It's Not Easy**~

"_Neither can live while the other survives_."

These words have haunted me all summer. It was bad enough that I now knew what the prophecy was, but what's worse is that I couldn't even join Ron and Hermione at number twelve, Grimmauld Place this summer. That might have made the past events a little more endurable. Unfortunately, all parties involved figured that it would be in my best interest to stay at my Uncle's house. No one ever bothers to ask me what _I_ think is in my best interest. I just get filled in after the fact.

"See you later Harry," Tonks called as she and the rest of my guard left me at the station. They showed up this morning at number four Privet Drive and shepherded me straight to Kings Cross Station where I would take the Hogwarts Express to the only other place on this planet where I'm even remotely safe and even there I still have to watch my back. Trouble seems to find me everywhere.

Could I have been so naïve six years ago to think that being accepted to Hogwarts was going to be great? Nothing in my life had ever been that easy. How could I have expected it to start then?

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I can't stand to fly

I'm not that naïve

I'm just out to find

The better part of me

I quickly cross through the station to the wall between Platforms 9 and 10. I glance around halfheartedly to make sure that no one is paying close attention to me and run through to Platform 9 ¾.

I see other students with their families getting ready to board the bright red train. People I know pass me by without sparing me a glance and I notice some people pointing at me while whispering behind cupped hands. I can only imagine what they are saying about me. When I look directly at anyone the whispering stops and the gossipers look away.

I see Collin Creevey and his brother Dennis. I figure at any moment they'll be bounding over to begin their fanatical chatter. I'm more than a little surprised when the two of them hurry past me as if I don't exist. I must be in pretty dire straits if even the Creevey brothers are ignoring me.

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I'm more than a bird

I'm more than a plane

I'm more than some pretty face

Beside a train

And it's not easy being me

I board the train and head into the first empty compartment I see. I close the door hoping that people will take the hint and leave me alone. With the way I was being ignored outside, it doesn't look like I'll have anything to worry about.

Looking out the window the horrible thoughts fill my head once again. I curse the cruel fate that shoves so much death in my face. My parents, Cedric Diggory, and Sirius, all gone and I could do nothing to prevent it.

I remember thinking that when the whole ordeal with Voldemort was over I'd be able to live with Sirius at Grimmauld Place and forever be rid of my horrid cousin and his family. Be with someone who cared about me in spite of what I am. Now that's just another vanquished dream.

Everything is taken from me and I don't even have time to mourn what I've lost. I'm always expected to just pick up and continue.

"Gotta be strong, Harry."

"This all happens for a reason, Harry."

"People are counting on you, Harry."

Everyone has time to stop except me. Just how strong does everyone think my shoulders are?

I know I shouldn't grieve over a home I've never had, but the thought of happiness and love, was just to tantalizing. Of course, tragedy seems to have a special place in her heart for me and it was taken away before I could really appreciate it.

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Wish that I could cry

Fall upon my knees

Find a way to lie

About a home I'll never see

The door to my compartment opens and Ron, Hermione, and Ginny enter. Ginny sits next to me while Ron and Hermione take the seats opposite of us. I finally turn away from the window to look at them.

They all wear identical expressions of sympathy and concern. They are probably worried I'm about to bite their heads off like I had last year because they'd had each other over the summer and, once again, I was left alone and deserted.

I smiled to let them know I'm not upset or angry and they all seem to take a collective breath. "Don't you guys need to be in the Prefect's car?" I ask Ron and Hermione.

Hermione leans over and takes my hand in hers, "We're right where we need to be."

At that moment Neville and Luna appear at the door to say their hellos. The others make small talk about their summers while I sit back and observe. These people selflessly helped me last year when I needed the most.

I wished beyond hope that I could spare them the hurt of being associated with me. It's my experience that no good can come out of knowing me. It certainly didn't help Cedric or Sirius and I would rather die than let it endanger one of them. Why did Voldemort have to choose me?

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It may sound absurd

But don't be naïve

Even Heroes have the right to bleed

I may be disturbed

But won't you concede

Even Heroes have the right to dream

And it's not easy to be me

Neville and Luna moved on to find an empty cabin and my friends turned to talk amongst themselves. I listened unenthusiastically to their conversation, which was mostly talk about Fred and George's newest inventions.

Cho walked past our compartment and looked in as she passed. Our eyes met for a moment before she continued on followed by Marietta. I don't even know how to feel about Cho. She was so hot and cold with me. Did she only want to be with me to talk about what happened with Cedric? Did she think that I was just dying to relive that moment with her whenever she wanted?

And her friend Marietta, what a traitor. How could Cho even be associated with her? From the beginning of the formation of the DA Marietta had been against it. Then we were found out when she went running off to Umbridge. Of course it is only through our efforts that the truth about Voldemort was finally revealed.

I sigh wondering how Cho will treat me this year. Will she even talk to me since she thinks that I have a thing for Hermione? Maybe it's better that she stays away from me.

Looking out the window again I still see people pointing to where I sit on the train and whispering to others. I want to slide down my seat out of their view. Why aren't I more used to this? Especially after last year when I was crazy Harry Potter spreading my lies about Voldemort. People pointed and whispered all the time. Hell, people have pointed and talked ever since I first came to the wizarding world. Of course now everyone knows the truth and apparently I'm still a great topic of conversation. 

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Up, up, and away, away from me

But it's all right

You can all sleep sound tonight

I'm not crazy or anything . . .

The train finally starts to move and we are on our way to Hogwarts. The conversation turns to whom the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher will be. I personally hope that it's another Umbridge. Well maybe someone a little less mean and tyrannical, but someone I don't want to get to know just the same. Seeing as how the position is jinxed I don't want to get close to another person who will eventually leave.

The conversation turns to Quidditch and I join in. It's as if the closer and closer I get to Hogwarts the less and less down I feel. Hogwarts was my first home and gave me my first family. No matter what maybe going on in my life, it's bearable because I can go home again.

The coming of the war is far-off as the enchantment of returning to school takes over. Hagrid is at the station waiting to collect the first years. He looks at me as if the sun rises and sets with me. A sick feeling fills me at the look of hope on his face. I don't want to be anyone's hope. If I failed I don't think I could stomach it. Of course if I failed I'd more than likely be dead and that thought was even more unsettling.

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I can't stand to fly

I'm not that naïve

Men weren't meant to ride

With clouds between their knees

Climbing into a carriage with Ron, Hermione, and Ginny we make our way to the castle. Once inside we move into the great hall to await the arrival of the first year students.

Finally they arrive and McGonagall brings out the stool and sorting hat. We have another new song this year though the message is the same. Unity in this time of fear and worry. How can we be united if we can't trust anyone? Half the time I can't trust myself especially now with last years dreams.

Dumbledore stands up to make his usual announcements. He introduces the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. He looks pleasant enough, but I don't jump to any conclusions about his character or personality. I've seen too much to accept so easily.

To my surprise, Dumbledore said that the DA club would be reinstated this year and available to anyone who wants to join it. Even more shocking, he's appointed me to be in charge of it. I can only stare at Dumbledore blankly as my fellow Gryffindors clap me on the back and congratulate me. He doesn't look directly at me and as usual I don't understand the motive for his actions.

Deep down, I feel elated. I was always above par in my DADA classes and teaching my skills to others gave me a thrill I can't explain and not even Quidditch could surpass. At least I don't have to just sit around waiting for things to happen this year. I'll be able to train until the inevitable happens.

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I'm only a man in a silly red sheet

Digging for kryptonite on this one way street

Only a man in a funny red sheet

Looking for special things inside of me

The banquet ends and I start heading out of the hall with my friends. At the door we were waylaid by Draco Malfoy.

"Well looks like little Harry Potter gets to run his fan club again," he said with a smug smirk on his pale thin face.

Ron crossed his arms over his chest, "Hear from your father recently?"

Malfoy face went red and he turned his cold gray eyes on Ron, "I'd watch my mouth if I were you, Weasley." He turned back to look at me, "Maybe I should join your club too, Potter. Want to make sure I'm properly equipped when the war begins in earnest." He leaned his face closer toward mine; "Of course none of you little parlor tricks will save you then."

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Inside of me

Inside of me

"Why don't you get lost," Ginny said, "I think your business I finished around here.

He looked at us all before putting the cocky smile back on his face, "This isn't over, Potter. See you at the meetings," he added menacingly. He turned and walked away.

"Great," Hermione said to his retreating back, "I can't wait to use you as target practice."

He walked away tossing a "Filthy Mudblood," over his shoulders. I turned to Ron to physically restrain him if I had to. I was surprised by how calm he was. He just reached into his robes for his wand and muttering a simple incantation sent Malfoy flying through the air.

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Inside of me

Inside of me

My mouth is hanging open as I stare at Ron. I don't think I've ever been more proud of him. "Come on guys, let's go," he said putting his wand away. As we walk to the Gryffindor common room I think about all the things that are coming. Then I think back to the things that I've already been through.

One thing stands out to me. My friends. They are always there to help me when I need it. When no one believed me about Voldemort they stuck by me. When I was in trouble they bailed me out. When I didn't think I could stand up to Umbridge, they backed me up. To everyone else I may have been "The-Boy-Who-Lived," but to them I was plain and simply Harry, their friend.

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I'm only a man in a funny red sheet

I'm only a man looking for a dream

I'm only a man in a funny red sheet

I felt relieved for the first time in a long time. I would be able to make it through anything with their help. In fact if I really stopped to think about it, they've helped me to get this far. They are always with me and always will be. I know that I'll never truly be alone again and it's a comforting thought.

I don't know what coming up ahead and it still worries me that they are needlessly putting themselves in danger. But if I have to go forward blindly then I'm grateful that they'll be blindly following. Who knows what this war will bring, but I just look forward to the day when it will all be over and I can just go to living my life normally. Until then, I'll just put on my brave face and do what is expected of me, I seem to do that well already.

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And it's not easy

Ooh ooh ooh

It's not easy to be me


End file.
